Subjective Objectivism

Free room, board (and laundry) for hobo and forest friend alike…

I’ve been noticing an unusual trend in modern day home invasions lately:

Appleton police received a call Wednesday of a burglary — not of valuables but of food.

The burglar apparently entered the unlocked apartment and walked away with a pizza, six eggs, a can of beef ravioli, a can of peaches and one chicken-and-broccoli Hot Pocket, authorities said. – [Yahoo/AP]

Score! Whoo boy! Somebody’s gonna have a feast tonight!! Honestly, I pray that I never get desperate enough to walk into someones home and steal dinner. And a little breakfast. And most definitely not Hot Pockets…

This next one is awesome. In a narcoleptic kind of way…:

Police say a man returned to his apartment last week to find an intruder napping in his bed. The accused burglar, Mark William, didn’t wake up until police placed handcuffs on him while he was snoozing. – [Yahoo/AP]

Or it’s just plain dumb. Yep. Break into someones home, and the proceed to take a siesta. Brilliant Idea. He must of thought he was Goldilocks. Come to think of it, Goldilocks was a freakin’ burglar! She certainly fits the profile. Breaking and entering, petty theft, even checks out the furniture, probably to see if they were worth anything, and falls asleep.
Maybe that what got this dude in trouble. Bad Bedtime stories. A little golden haired burglar role model. Except without the three bears. Or the porridge. And he forgot that bears don’t call the police. Waking up to find himself in the proverbial “braces” had to suck. That’d be a wake up call for real. We really need to revise some of our old bedtime stories!!

The next one is just classic:

Ethel Sanders told people she heard noises in her laundry room and found a man standing in his underwear near the washing machine when she went to investigate, police spokesman Officer Eric Gallichant told the Press-Register. – [Yahoo/AP]

I can only imagine what this guy was thinking: “Hey, there’s nobody home! And look! I’ve got a set of dirty clothes! Let’s do some laundry!” Brilliant!! Didn’t even check to see if anyone was home. Heh. I mean seriously, if you’re gonna be standing in someone laundry room in naught but your tighty-whiteys, ya might wanna make sure nobody’s there to walk in on you with a firearm. Just a thought…

But you know what’s even better? When the burglar isn’t even human…:

A man awakened by a bump in the night went to investigate and found an intruder, but it wasn’t a burglar. Instead, Blaine Harling found himself face to snout with a black bear that had come in through an open window.

Yikes!

“He walked into the kitchen and it was just standing there, about three feet away, in front of the refrigerator,” Harling said. “So he grabbed the first thing he could which was a shampoo bottle, or a lotion bottle, something like that, and he whipped it at the bear and then he took-off back down to basement.”

Umm, yeah. A bottle of lotion is a great black bear deterrent…

Jill Harling said her grandson created more of a mess by splattering the lotion bottle off the bear’s head than the bear did. She and her husband, awakened shortly after 1 a.m. by their grandson, reached the cabin by about 6 a.m.

“It moved a few things around, ate a few muffins that were left out, pulled the garbage out and spread it around, and left nose and paw prints on mirrors and the TV., but there was no real damage,” said Vic Harling. “It was amazing really. It didn’t even knock over lamps near where it came in.” – [Yahoo/AP]

LOL, imagine that! The human made a bigger mess than the bear! Though you gotta wonder what that bear was doing at the mirror and TV. Had probably snacked on the muffins, checked his biceps/abs in the mirror, sat down and watched some “NYPD Blue”, then skedaddled when he heard the cops roll up?

I’m betting this bear was one of the ones that Goldilocks burgled. Payback sucks don’t it!! ! OK, I’m making it official. If my home is ever to be burgled, I would prefer that it be by a black bear. Bears like caves anyway. It’ll probably feel so at home, it will fall asleep on my bed after eating up everything in my cellar. But at least it will take out the garbage for me before it leaves…

• Burglar steals food, leaves valuables – [Yahoo/AP]
• Man finds intruder napping in his bed – [Yahoo/AP]
• Woman, 81, shoots homeless ‘washer’ – [Yahoo/AP]
• Teen encounters black bear in kitchen – [Yahoo/AP]

Tags: America, Animal, Assault, Bad Ideas, Burglars, Homeless, Unorthodox