Christmas
People, Santa is NOT subject to the laws of physics.
I recently read a rather cold and scientific review regarding the physics involved with Santas yearly trek of benevolence around the world:
Between Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, Santa Claus’s route around the planet includes stops at 2.5 billion homes, assuming that children of all religions receive a present from the jolly man in the red suit, Anders Larsson of the engineering consultancy Sweco told AFP.
“He has 34 microseconds at each stop” to slide down the chimney, drop off the presents, nibble on his cookies and milk and hop back on his sleigh, Larsson said. – [Yahoo/AFP]
Which makes the feat all the more amazing, bless his big jolly red heart!! Then you read things like this:
Another report circulating on the Internet suggested however that Santa’s sleigh, weighed down with presents and travelling at supersonic speed, would encounter such massive air resistance that the entire contraption would burst into flames and be vaporised within 4.26 thousandths of a second. – [Yahoo/AFP]
Wait, whut!? Blasphemy! Santa does NOT get incinerated by the speed of his own present laden sleigh!! If he gets incinerated, how exactly does he deliver all of his presents? Hmm? How about answering that question with your precious kangaroo “Science”, ya grinch-like, little weirdo eggheads!?
The answer is simple. But these so called “scientists” are too blinded by their “scientific research” to see the truth. But luckily for you, I know how it all works, and I’ll let you in on it. Santa is not affected by aerodynamic resistance. He uses a combination of wormholes and time dilation technology, to effect his yearly philanthropic pilgrimage. There, you blasted heathens. Put that in your research pipe and smoke it…
OH and BTW, MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!
Santa Claus is coming to town — for 34 microseconds – [Yahoo/AFP]
Mountain Lions need Christmas too…
A while back I read a sad story about a lonely Mountain Lion:
A relaxing soak in a hot tub came to an abrupt end when Marlene Todd came eye to eye with a mountain lion in her backyard.
See, Mountain Lions are loners mostly. I’ve known a few mountain lion types. Not the social type, but fairly cool cats. But every now and then they like a little companionship. I’m sure that’s all it wanted. And it came to this lady’s hot tub looking for a little friendship, maybe a quick soak in the warm tub.
”It just took a leap. It jumped on the side of the hot tub,” Todd said of the Thursday morning encounter. “We locked eyes, and it kicked off of the hot tub and ran away. When it jumped, it flipped my robe into the hot tub.” – [Yahoo/AP]
You see what happened here? This heartless woman gave that poor Mountain Lion the evil eye. Scared it half to death. I guess not entirely, because it still kicked the ladies robe into the tub out of spite, but still, why everyone gotta be so hostile to Mountain Lions? They like Christmas hot tubbing too!
Humans are such selfish creatures. I’m sure if the situation would have been reversed,
the Mountain Lion would totally have invited the lady into the hot tub. No questions asked. We could learn a lot from Mountain Lions. People, if a Mountain Lion comes to your home, please leave the shotgun or rifle in the gun cabinet. Nobody likes being shot at, especially Mountain Lions.
How about we all try a different approach. Invite it in. Offer it some ham, maybe some turkey. Ask it to join you in a game of Twister. I think you’ll all be surprised how friendly a Mountain Lion can be…
Cougar nearly joins SD woman in hot tub – [Yahoo/AP]
Santa fired on account of his hos…
Apparently Santas Jolly Ho, ho, ho, could be perceived as an insult by the Australian populace. A Santa has therefore been fired for uttering Saint Nick’s classic greeting:
In the latest incident, the Cairns Post newspaper said 70-year-old John Oakes was fired on Monday for saying “ho ho ho” and for singing the Christmas song Jingle Bells.
Westaff spokesman Bert Jansz told the paper Oakes had been dismissed because of his attitude, and not for his ho ho ho-ing. – [Yahoo/Reuters]
Riiiiiiiight… I know exactly what got him fired. He got canned for letting his employers know they were being uptight, anal retentive, politically whipped wusses. Seriously, if any one of you out there can realistically take the greeting “Ho, Ho, Ho” from a Santa as an insult, then you really need to find a bad habit. Maybe drink more, or smoke some pot or something. ‘Cause you really need to loosen up some.
Laughing Santa gets the old heave ho ho ho – [Yahoo/Reuters]
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