Humor
People, Santa is NOT subject to the laws of physics.
I recently read a rather cold and scientific review regarding the physics involved with Santas yearly trek of benevolence around the world:
Between Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, Santa Claus’s route around the planet includes stops at 2.5 billion homes, assuming that children of all religions receive a present from the jolly man in the red suit, Anders Larsson of the engineering consultancy Sweco told AFP.
“He has 34 microseconds at each stop” to slide down the chimney, drop off the presents, nibble on his cookies and milk and hop back on his sleigh, Larsson said. – [Yahoo/AFP]
Which makes the feat all the more amazing, bless his big jolly red heart!! Then you read things like this:
Another report circulating on the Internet suggested however that Santa’s sleigh, weighed down with presents and travelling at supersonic speed, would encounter such massive air resistance that the entire contraption would burst into flames and be vaporised within 4.26 thousandths of a second. – [Yahoo/AFP]
Wait, whut!? Blasphemy! Santa does NOT get incinerated by the speed of his own present laden sleigh!! If he gets incinerated, how exactly does he deliver all of his presents? Hmm? How about answering that question with your precious kangaroo “Science”, ya grinch-like, little weirdo eggheads!?
The answer is simple. But these so called “scientists” are too blinded by their “scientific research” to see the truth. But luckily for you, I know how it all works, and I’ll let you in on it. Santa is not affected by aerodynamic resistance. He uses a combination of wormholes and time dilation technology, to effect his yearly philanthropic pilgrimage. There, you blasted heathens. Put that in your research pipe and smoke it…
OH and BTW, MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!
Santa Claus is coming to town — for 34 microseconds – [Yahoo/AFP]
You’d think God would have a better sense of humor…
Christian groups are up in arms here over a new children’s film starring Nicole Kidman and based on an award-winning novel by British author Philip Pullman, accusing it of being anti-religious.
Evil in Pullman’s books is represented by the church, called the Magisterium, whose acolytes kidnap orphans across England to subject them to horrible experiments in the frozen northern wastelands. – [Yahoo/AFP]
Seriously, why would anyone who believes in an all-powerful, almighty God, even trouble themselves with things like this? It’s not as if anyone is going to take the movie literally, and decide that the church is evil. Not to mention that there are a lot of other worse things to be complaining about besides a freakin’ movie.
I could point out that, historically, much treachery, killing and death has occurred in the name of Christianity, and religion in general. Numerous crusaders, jihadi, conquerers, terrorists, etc. and wars have often been perpetuated in “Gods” name, or with “Gods” support. But this shouldn’t worry any honest Christians because we are different, and people don’t do that anymore… Right? Oh… Wait… Nevermind.
But as I was saying, does anyone really think God honestly, really cares about this movie? How could it possibly offend Him? It’s a fairy tale for crying out loud! A work of fiction. Why, in the name of all that is holy, would the Almighty be offended by this? Seriously, given how the world works, you’d think God would have, at the very least, an epic sense of humor…
Christian groups slam new Kidman children’s movie – [Yahoo/AFP]
British tube officials have no sense of humor…
OK, I know the brits are known for thier “stiff upper lip” and all that, but come on, not even a little holiday humor? Apparently a British tube announcer decided to record a few humorous holiday public service announcements. Which, unfortunately, cost her big time:
The messages include:
* “We would like to remind our American tourist friends that you are almost certainly talking too loudly.”
* “Would the passenger in the red shirt pretending to read the paper but who is actually staring at that woman’s chest please stop. You are not fooling anyone, you filthy pervert.”
* “Would passengers filling in answers on their Sudokus please accept that they are just crosswords for the unimaginative and are not in any way more impressive just because they contain numbers.”
* “Here we are crammed again into a sweaty Tube carriage … If you’re female smile at the bloke next to you and make his day. He’s probably not had sex for months.”
Clarke said it was “just a bit of a laugh.” But Tube operator Transport for London (TfL) failed to see the funny side and dropped her, after eight years. – [AP/Reuters]
OK, how seriously uptight do you have to be to not find these humorous. At the very least worth a grin. And after 8 years of service, you’d figure she at least deserved at most a slap on the wrist, as opposed to termination.
If I were a Brit, I’d be organizing a protest, boycotting the tube, something. That lady needs to get her job back. Darn British Tube operators have no sense of humor…
Announcer sacked over spoof messages – [AP/Reuters]
Professional Liars…
I never knew that lying could be an international professional sport:
The “world’s biggest liar” has been crowned, after telling a tale about a German World War II submarine invading Britain to capture digital television decoders.
John “Johnny Liar” Graham won the annual competition of tall tales, which is held at the Bridge Inn in Santon Bridge, in the heart of Britain’s Lake District national park. – [Yahoo/AFP]
I don’t know about you, but if that’s the best lie that the biggest liar in the world could come up with, that’s pretty darn sad. I find it hard to believe that the worlds best liar was selected on the basis of one of the oldest lies in the book.
Where is the creativity? Imagination? Novelty? Impact? Bah. I know people who could come up with better tales in their sleep. In fact, I think your average blogger is funnier than this guy. I’d really like to see a few fellow bloggers apply for the competition next year, especially the mythomaniacal abarclay12. Visit her blog “The Leaky Brain” and experience pseudologia fantastica in it’s most inspiring form.
Children? Layers? Politicans? Desperate Used Car Salesmen? Choirboys in comparison. Winning by virtue of a tall fish tale? Please. These folks have no idea what a true liar sounds like…
No, honestly: ‘world’s biggest liar’ crowned with a fishy tale – [Yahoo/AFP]
Spotted!: Hello Kitty SpecOps…
You may remember a post I did a while back about Thailands “Hello Kitty” brigade. Well apparently, Hello Kitty operatives have been around for much longer. I finally have proof that there is actually an honest to goodness Hello Kitty anti-terrorist SpecOps team in operation:
Here we see a highly trained Hello Kitty Operator with the highly experimental XM-8 HK, the Hello Kitty Variant of the new XM-8 combat weapon system. We have no information on where or when these pictures were taken, but it is apparent that these guys are highly trained and use the latest cutting-edge weaponry.
Here we see a Hello Kitty Operator training a new SpecOps recruit. I dunno if that new recruit would feel particularly comfortable if he could see the look on the instructor operators face.
I don’t know about you, but these guys give me the willies. Terrorists had best flee. In terror. Soon even a glimpse of pink out of a terrorists peripheral vision will elicit uncontrollable fear. Yep, the tables have turned…
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