Shotgun or Tire Iron…?

Under normal circumstances, if you were to ask me this question, I might automatically say “Shotgun” without hesitation. However, I would be employing computer game thinking. In most computer games, the shottie pwns, and the tire iron is a weapon of last resort.

In real life, however, things aren’t so simple. I ran across an interesting article that illustrates the truth in the old adage “Bigger isn’t always better”. And as this guy found out, you are always better off choosing the right tool for the job:

A man trying to loosen a stubborn lug nut blasted the wheel with a 12-gauge shotgun, injuring himself badly in both legs, sheriff’s deputies said. – [Yahoo/AP]

Now this one has me stumped. I’m sure McGyver could have figured out a way to get that lug nut off using a shotgun, but I’m pretty certain that firing it at the tire, without protection, at point blank range, wouldn’t have been part of the process.

I bet that right now, he’s wishing he had just got someone to get him some WD40…

Best to use tools when loosening lug nut – [Yahoo/AP]

Places NOT to watch your Pr0n…

From the record vault of bad ideas. A Texas man chose a rather unusual place to catch a quick porn flick:

Police issued a citation for a man accused of watching pornography on his car DVD player. Cameron J. Walker, 24, of Irving, was issued misdemeanor citations for obscene display or distribution, not having a driver’s license and having an open container of alcohol, Fort Worth police said. – [Yahoo/AP]

Well, ya know, his wife probably kicked him out. That’s why he didn’t have his wallet. Or something. All right, I’m grabbin’ at straws. I got nuthin’. But what other reason would you possibly have to decide to kick back in your car with a cold brewski and watch a porn DVD in public?

Police cite man for watching porn in car – [Yahoo/AP]

Paris Hilton Has a Cause!

And guess what. It involves inebriated pachyderms:

Paris Hilton is being praised by conservationists for highlighting the problem of binge-drinking elephants in northeastern India.

Activists said a celebrity endorsement such as Hilton’s was sure to raise awareness of the plight of the pachyderms that get drunk on farmers’ homemade rice beer and then go on a rampage. – [Yahoo/AP]

You know seriously, with all the jacked up stuff that is going on in the world today, the one cause she decides to champion, is elephants getting drunk on rice beer that their owners forgot to put away? I suppose that is par for the course for this lady, but honestly…

Hilton tries to help drunk elephants – [Yahoo/AP]

Important News Flash! Zombies Are Real!!!

From the “What the…!?” department, comes an article that may contain evidence that proves the existence of zombies, perhaps as early as 3000BC!! Read on:

Hierakonpolis is a site famous for its many “firsts,” so many, in fact, it is not easy to keep track of them all. So we are grateful(?) to Max Brooks for bringing to our attention that the site can also claim the title to the earliest recorded zombie attack in history. In his magisterial tome, The Zombie Survival Guide (2003), he informs us that in 1892, a British dig at Hierakonpolis unearthed a nondescript tomb containing a partially decomposed body, whose brain had been infected with the virus (Solanum) that turns people into zombies. In addition, thousands of scratch marks adorned every surface of the tomb, as if the corpse had tried to claw its way out! – [Neatorama/Archaeology]

This is absolutely amazing. Especially given the many discussions that have been cropping up on a number of forums I frequent on the topic. The article goes on to describe other details, as well, specifically, how to deal with a zombie outbreak, as well as a few basic tips on using common garden implements as defensive weapons against zombies.

We have no “living” zombies as it were, to validate any of these scientific findings, at least not yet, but the circumstantial evidence is quite compelling. I would strongly urge everyone to find a copy of the zombie survival guide, and prepare accordingly. As if this weren’t enough, I came across an article on cracked.com detailing through 5 scientifically valid ways a zombie apocalypse could actually happen.

I myself will be training an anti-zombie task force consisting of a crack troop of highly trained, cybernetically enhanced special ops bobcats to deal with front line security, a unit of green beret night owls for perimeter surveillance, a contingent of commando hawks for forward observation, and of course a few local grizzlies for logistics, supplies and such. This should allow me to remain safely in my cave for the duration of any outbreak.

I would suggest you all take similar measures to protect yourself.

ZOMG! Archaelogists Found Evidence of Zombie Attack in Ancient Egypt! – [Neatorama/Archaeology]

5 Scientific Reasons a Zombie Apocalypse Could Actually Happen – [Cracked.com]

The “Victorinox” Human Smuggling Ring…

In a recent post I talked about the jailbreak of a female prisoner who managed to evade detection by German detention center security by hiding in anothers suitcase. I will admit to being surprised they got away with it. However it seems that they aren’t the only ones to resort to this method of human trafficking:

A man hiding in a suitcase and a driver have been detained by Customs and Border Protection officers after a failed smuggling attempt – [Yahoo/AP]

Now under normal circumstances I would be making smart aleck comments about how these folks obviously didn’t think the plan through. However, because the victorinox carry-on uber jailfrau duo managed to successfully avoid detection of the “carry on” party, I shall to refrain from any such comments. Or at least try to.

Except that the samsonite boys fared quite poorly in their attempt. And, honestly, who am I kidding. I can’t help myself. I have to ask at least these two questions:

What kind of person honestly expects to get away with hiding in the one travel article that, in my humble opinion, should be very first thing that any self respecting security professional would search? And more importantly, how funny might it be to see what these people looked like, all contorted into their respective luggage, as it proceeded slowly through a luggage x-ray machine…?

Texas border agents find man in suitcase – [Yahoo/AP]

Is that carry-on or check in?

No, I am not referring to Airport security. Really, I’m not. I’m talking about a German detention center. Uh huh. Read on…:

A 19-year-old woman appears to have escaped from a juvenile detention centre in northwest Germany by hiding in the suitcase of a fellow inmate who was released, police said on Monday. – [Yahoo/AFP]

Now I might be wrong about this, but as I understand it, when a detainee is checked in, all of the belongings they have with them is cataloged, then placed in storage until they are released. Now I don’t know how detailed the logging process is, but given the Germans penchant for efficiency, I’m sure no detail gets left behind.

So it escapes me how a human being (even a 19 year old, presumably petite, female) in a suitcase managed to avoid raising any red flags is beyond me. I mean, I’m fairly certain “female, 19, petite” was not on the checklist. And even if she only weighed 100 lbs soaking wet, that’s 100 lbs of stuff that this inmate obiously did not bring to the detention center with her.

Amazing. At least they won’t make it out of the country by air. I doubt the luggage (or the contents) would tolerate the treatment of airport baggage handlers very well…

Woman escapes from German detention centre in a suitcase – [Yahoo/AFP]

Beer can crushing bosoms gone awry…

Today, I read an rather intriguing article:

An Australian barmaid who entertained patrons by crushing beer cans between her bare breasts and hanging spoons off her nipples has been fined, police said Wednesday.

Wait, wait, what! Why?

 Luana De Faveri, 31, was fined 1,000 dollars (900 US dollars) in the Mandurah Magistrates Court in Western Australia after pleading guilty to two breaches of the Liquor Control Act. – [Yahoo/AFP]

Eerm… Not sure what to say about this. On one hand, I don’t really have a problem with barmaids who feel the need to crush beer cans between their gazongas. Or hang spoons from them. But then again, I’m the laid back sort, and there are health codes and stuff for a reason. But then again, if they’re sanitary enough for newborn babies to drink from…

Dagnabbit… I’m soo conflicted right now…

Aussie barmaid fined for crushing cans with bare breasts – [Yahoo/AFP]

The Colombian in the Iron Mask!

Yesterday I read an interesting article about an unemployed Colombian man who resorted to a rather unusual form of governmental protest about the plight of his family:

In Colombia, an unemployed man has sewn shut his mouth and locked himself behind an iron mask to demand the government attend to his family’s desperate economic plight. – [Yahoo/AP]

Ooookkkk….

He is demanding the government provide a loan to jump-start a cottage textile business and pay health care bills for his wife and children. Without the loan, he says his family will end up living on the streets. – [Yahoo/AP]

Hmmm. There are so many things wrong with this picture. I almost don’t know where to begin. First, which would you prefer. Your children out on the street? Or barefoot. My money says a roof over their head trumps new Nikes. Having spent a lot of time barefoot as a young ‘un, I’m fairly certain the kids would agree.

And then there is his “innovative” (for lack of a better word) method of protest. How exactly is sewing his mouth shut, then covering his face with an iron mask, and then shackling himself to his neighbors bed, supposed to be an effective protest strategy? The first rule of a successful protester: THEY HAVE TO BE ABLE TO SEE YOUR PROTEST!!

Not only did he cover his facial sewing handiwork (the only innovative part of this hare-brained scheme, imho) with an iron mask (where did he get an iron mask from anyway?), so nobody can see it, he is hiding in his neighbors house, where nobody can even see him and his iron mask. Ridiculous!

And I’m not even going to go into the kind of egocentrism that spawns this kind of protest, when other people’s kids are already out on the street. I know the squeaky wheel generally gets the grease, but please! How about coming up with a plan that everyone can benefit from, instead of disfiguring your stupid mug, which your wife and kids will have to look at for the rest of your marriage, and taking up space that your neighbor could probably use (probably for much better things).

You know, I can understand this mans desire to see his family stay off the streets. I can even understand his desire to have the government help him start a business. It’s much better than asking for a handout. But come on. While sensationalist stunts are generally a good way to get attention, I tend to think there are much better ways of doing this, and they should be used for the purpose of implementing much more universal solutions.

He gets -8 intarwebs points for lack of common sense/originality, -4 for uncompromisingly poor execution, and the journalist who picked this up gets a -10 for being stupid enough to run this, instead of airing the plight of all the other Colombian kids who are already out on the street because of unemployment. Epic Phail all around.

Unemployed Colombian dons iron mask – [Yahoo/AP]

Free room, board (and laundry) for hobo and forest friend alike…

I’ve been noticing an unusual trend in modern day home invasions lately:

Appleton police received a call Wednesday of a burglary — not of valuables but of food.

The burglar apparently entered the unlocked apartment and walked away with a pizza, six eggs, a can of beef ravioli, a can of peaches and one chicken-and-broccoli Hot Pocket, authorities said. – [Yahoo/AP]

Score! Whoo boy! Somebody’s gonna have a feast tonight!! Honestly, I pray that I never get desperate enough to walk into someones home and steal dinner. And a little breakfast. And most definitely not Hot Pockets…

This next one is awesome. In a narcoleptic kind of way…:

Police say a man returned to his apartment last week to find an intruder napping in his bed. The accused burglar, Mark William, didn’t wake up until police placed handcuffs on him while he was snoozing. – [Yahoo/AP]

Or it’s just plain dumb. Yep. Break into someones home, and the proceed to take a siesta. Brilliant Idea. He must of thought he was Goldilocks. Come to think of it, Goldilocks was a freakin’ burglar! She certainly fits the profile. Breaking and entering, petty theft, even checks out the furniture, probably to see if they were worth anything, and falls asleep.
Maybe that what got this dude in trouble. Bad Bedtime stories. A little golden haired burglar role model. Except without the three bears. Or the porridge. And he forgot that bears don’t call the police. Waking up to find himself in the proverbial “braces” had to suck. That’d be a wake up call for real. We really need to revise some of our old bedtime stories!!

The next one is just classic:

Ethel Sanders told people she heard noises in her laundry room and found a man standing in his underwear near the washing machine when she went to investigate, police spokesman Officer Eric Gallichant told the Press-Register. – [Yahoo/AP]

I can only imagine what this guy was thinking: “Hey, there’s nobody home! And look! I’ve got a set of dirty clothes! Let’s do some laundry!” Brilliant!! Didn’t even check to see if anyone was home. Heh. I mean seriously, if you’re gonna be standing in someone laundry room in naught but your tighty-whiteys, ya might wanna make sure nobody’s there to walk in on you with a firearm. Just a thought…

But you know what’s even better? When the burglar isn’t even human…:

A man awakened by a bump in the night went to investigate and found an intruder, but it wasn’t a burglar. Instead, Blaine Harling found himself face to snout with a black bear that had come in through an open window.

Yikes!

“He walked into the kitchen and it was just standing there, about three feet away, in front of the refrigerator,” Harling said. “So he grabbed the first thing he could which was a shampoo bottle, or a lotion bottle, something like that, and he whipped it at the bear and then he took-off back down to basement.”

Umm, yeah. A bottle of lotion is a great black bear deterrent…

Jill Harling said her grandson created more of a mess by splattering the lotion bottle off the bear’s head than the bear did. She and her husband, awakened shortly after 1 a.m. by their grandson, reached the cabin by about 6 a.m.

“It moved a few things around, ate a few muffins that were left out, pulled the garbage out and spread it around, and left nose and paw prints on mirrors and the TV., but there was no real damage,” said Vic Harling. “It was amazing really. It didn’t even knock over lamps near where it came in.” – [Yahoo/AP]

LOL, imagine that! The human made a bigger mess than the bear! Though you gotta wonder what that bear was doing at the mirror and TV. Had probably snacked on the muffins, checked his biceps/abs in the mirror, sat down and watched some “NYPD Blue”, then skedaddled when he heard the cops roll up?

I’m betting this bear was one of the ones that Goldilocks burgled. Payback sucks don’t it!! :) ! OK, I’m making it official. If my home is ever to be burgled, I would prefer that it be by a black bear. Bears like caves anyway. It’ll probably feel so at home, it will fall asleep on my bed after eating up everything in my cellar. But at least it will take out the garbage for me before it leaves…

Is nothing sacred anymore?

Never mind, don’t answer, it’s a rhetorical question. Though I think there really are truly few sacred things  in life anymore. And apparently a Bible is not one of them. Here’s proof:

A Singaporean judge sentenced a man to four months in jail for stealing a Bible, admonishing him with Scripture before hauling him off to prison, The Straits Times newspaper reported Wednesday. – [Yahoo/Reuters]

Ok, so at the risk of revealing/betraying what used to be my “good” Christian upbringing, my only thought is this: Of all the things to steal, a Bible is as good as any. And probably better than most. Why? Because at least now, he may learn something interesting.

And no, I am not a Bible thumper. Far from it. My approach to Christianity, and theism in general, is a little more pragmatic (for lack of a better word) than most. But the theist in me is still curious about why this guy felt that a Bible would be a lucrative score…

Thou shalt not steal — especially the Bible – [Yahoo/Reuters]